Everbody Deserves a Secure Base

Everybody in this world deserves a secure base. This is a person/people that you can depend on to meet your needs. This is an environment that you can go to, to feel safe. At the end of the day, we all want to come home to the people that we love & the comfort of our home. That is the foundation of attachment.

For the children who have suffered the loss of their parents (through abandonment, relinquishment, or death), their individual needs may look very different depending on the age at which the loss occurred, their developmental level, & environmental factors. In their very young lives, they have already gone through what most adults can't even fathom. They may not know it, but they need a secure base more than most. However, it will now take more patience & understanding to figure out where their mindset is, what their needs are, & the best approach to meeting those needs.

Valentine Vows

On this "special" day, wouldn't it be nice to vow to find out what's inside the hearts & minds of those we love?!  Taking the time, having the patience, & looking beyond our own needs, can change our families in the most positive of ways.  Although the path along the way may be painful at times, the journey will bring your family that much closer.  The understanding that you unfold will be the stepping stones to joyful days ahead.

New Semester, New Behaviors ...

It may seem pretty easy for most of us, but moving into a new semester may mean seeing some new behaviors from your adoptive child. All of the changes, possibly a new teacher, a new classroom, a new class, & new materials create that sense of being out of control. So many new things & such little control. Be patient & help walk your child through all of the newness, including a plan for what is in their control. Good Luck!

Children Need Time ...

In this fast-paced world in which we live, we need to take the time to slow down for our children. Children don't need more toys or more technology.  Children need more time with their parents.  It isn't the amount of money that you spend, or what it is that you do while together.  It's all about taking a little time out of a fast-paced day, just to be together.  Time together goes a long way with children!

Taking Things For Granted

Summer is in full swing & I'm sure that many of us would assume that ALL children like to play in the water, feel the grass on their toes, or the sand on their feet.  Those of you that recently adopted children from an orphanage may be realizing that this may not be the case.  Some children have never had this experience in their lives & may need a little time to enjoy some of the summer pleasures that we take for granted.  Life will be easier for all if you give them time.

Parental Guidance

Children are never too old for parental guidance.  The key is in the presentation.  Children need to feel like they have a voice in their decisions.  Give & take in the conversation is a good way to promote healthy guidance.

Priorities

At the end of the day ... is it more important to meet the needs of your child(ren)?  Or, concern ourselves with how our actions will be viewed by others?  It's important to set priorities when raising children ... priorities that encompass what we want our children to know are the most important aspects of life.

Teen Years

Teen Years are difficult for all teens ... trying to figure out who they are & how thye fit in.  Add to those challenges, a history of losses.  The list of thoughts/questions an adopted teen has have just increased tenfold.  Trace their steps back & create a list of thoughts/questions that you might have if you were in their shoes ...  This will help to increase understanding of what they are going through.

Children Need a LifeBook

All children could benefit from a LifeBook.  However, for adoptive children it really helps to put the puzzle pieces of their life together for them.  What is a LifeBook?  It is anything you want it to be ... a photo album, scrapbook, etc.  It should include copies of important adoptive paperwork, earliest photos, pics of the caregiver handing you your child, pics of the orphanage & possible friends, your earliest meetings & beyond.  It's never too late to create a LifeBook.  I would encourage doing it together; great attachment activity.

I Don't Know

Did you ever get really angry when your child said "I don't know".  As adults, we often assume that of course, they know.  They're just trying to aggravate us with purpose.  Usually, they don't really know.  They don't have the logic of an adult, can't process like we do, & haven't had the life experience to pull from that we have as adults.

Approaching Easter/Spring Break

As this season is upon us, be sure to prep your children for all of the change in routine.  I know that oftentimes we think that it's best to wait until that last minute to tell them, to avoid a meltdown.  This approach actually creates anxiety, resulting in negative behaviors.

Attachment & Early Months of Adoption

I will be presenting on attachment & the beginnings as a new adoptive family.  The webinar will be held on Monday April 4th at 1:00 est.  Click on the link that follows for further info & to register.

Registration is here: https://chlss.org/event/attachment-and-bonding-webinar-your-first-months-together/.

Pressures of Parenthood

In our everchanging world, the pressures of parenthood are at an all time high.  Being pulled in every direction ... work, school activities, outside school activities, possibly various therapy sessions, marriage, chores, worries about our children at school, on the internet, driving ... Sometimes we need to take a break from the pressure & just take time to enjoy ourselves & our children.

Adult Time-out

In the middle of your child's meltdown one of the hardest things to do is to control your feelings in the moment.  It's ok to give yourself a time-out to think about where your child's meltdown is coming from before reacting.

Handling The Behaviors of Grief in Your Children

Are you seeing behaviors in your children that you haven't before?  Oftentimes these can be the result of grief.  Yes, even years after being home children can experience grief from their earliest of loss (of their birthmother).  You can help your child by being there with them to listen & support.  Don't say that you know how they feel ... you don't.  Don't say that you're there to help fix their feelings ... this implies that they have a problem.  As children grow, their thoughts of their early beginnings change ... they need to know that they're ok.  Their wonderment, anger, thoughts, & feelings are ok & a normal part of the grief process.  Be there ...

Adoption v. Personality

Adoption pre-disposes children to experiences that impact their make up.  What adoptive parents do with that info, & how they react has much to do with enhancing their personality.

Lead by example

Children are like sponges, they take everything in.  If you want your child(ren) to behave in a certain way, you need to model that behavior for them.  Lead by example.  They can learn to follow your example.  It takes a little extra time, but it's well worth the outcome!

Toys, toys, toys!

Now that Christmas has come & all of the toys have been unwrapped, pay attention to your child's favorites.  Put away (for another time) those toys that your child isn't showing much interest in.  This will really help to minimize the over-stimulation & meltdowns.

Meltdowns & Patience

If your child(ren) is/are having meltdowns, your patience would be most helpful to your child(ren). Children typically meltdown when they feel out of control from within.  Sitting with them & letting them know that you're there to help, can go a long way.  It may not be easy in the moment, but patience is warranted.

Are you beginning to see behaviors in your child at school that are atypical?  This is often due to the overwhelming feeling of so much change upcoming in their routine.  Those changes often trip triggers to their past, causing them to be anxious about what's coming next.